Authentic is the word of the year for 2023.

The Merrium-Webster dictionary defines authentic as:
a) not false
b) true to one’s personality or character, and
c) worthy of acceptance or belief based as conforming to or based on fact.

Peter Sokolowski, editor at large, offered this insight into why the word authentic was selected.

“We see in 2023 a kind of crisis of authenticity,” “What we realize is that when we question authenticity, we value it even more.”

Authenticity is a key relationship factor

Authenticity notably ranks as a key relationship factor in counseling circles. Specifically, when we can be authentic and real in our relationships, our relationships are more satisfying.

Seems like a no brainer, right?!
How is it then that such an obvious concept became the most queried word of the year?

Perhaps some of the curiosity surrounding the word authentic has to do with our innate desire for realness, both in ourselves and in others.

One recurring theme in my classroom and counseling office is that we know how we think or feel about things intrapersonally but often have difficulty behaving or expressing ourselves authentically in the interpersonal realm – especially if our thoughts and feelings might cause some difficulty for others.

Oftentimes, we will forego what we are thinking and feeling and choose not to speak up in order to keep the peace. The result is a feeling of tension or incongruence between what we are thinking and feeling in the intrapersonal realm and how we behave interpersonally creates a barrier to the joined feelings of authenticity in our relationships.

Authenticity in Relationships

So much of our angst in relationships is the result of not allowing ourselves to be authentic on one hand, and our keen awareness when others are not being authentic on the other.

The remedy? Remove or reduce the tension (incongruence). Authenticity happens when there is consistency between what we are thinking, feeling, and behaving. Following are some helpful considerations for reducing incongruence and increasing authenticity.

Consideration 1: Tell them your truth.

Here’s a common scenario from counseling:

Judy has used the better part of the hour to tell me that she wants to spend the holidays with her parents and not her husband’s family. She would tell her husband and his mom, but she doesn’t want to hurt his mom’s feelings.

She thinks that telling them sounds like this:

“I don’t want to spend the holidays with your family, I want to spend it with mine.”

While a true and authentic telling sounds more like this:

“I’m afraid it will hurt your feelings if I tell you that I want to spend the holidays with my family.”

The authentic version captures Judy’s experience of both wanting to see her family and not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings. It does so by reflecting consistency between her thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. (Surely, there are valid reasons for why she would rather be with her parents that she may not be comfortable disclosing.)

What is relevant to the conversation at hand is that she does not want to hurt their feelings – AND she wants to spend time with her family – this is her authentic and real self.

Find a way to express your fully authentic self

Consideration 2: Try hedging when you notice an inconsistency in someone else.

Here’s a common scenario in couple relationships:

Evan cheerfully agreed to mow the lawn while Jennifer is in the house caring for their child. However, as she watches him through the window, he looks angry. Jennifer has a hunch that Evan is upset that he is outside working while she is inside with their child. She thinks that he is angry about having to mow the lawn, so she prepares for battle. She may even call a friend and tell her friend about it.

Evan’s behavior doesn’t look like it matches his feelings or thoughts. (He cheerfully said he would mow the lawn but looks angry about it.)

Rather than preparing for battle – Jennifer can hedge instead by saying something like:

“Evan, I wonder if you are angry about mowing the lawn today?”

This offers Evan the opportunity to authentically express how he is feeling – rather than the two of them reacting to something that is not clear.

He may respond this way: “I’m not angry about mowing the lawn, it’s just really hot out there and I’m thirsty!”

Or

This*: “Yes, I am angry about having to mow.”*

In either case, Jennifer’s hedging has started a conversation where both people can discuss the truth at hand. Most importantly, Evan is able to express himself authentically.

• Find a way to allow others to express their fully authentic selves

Truly, when we are authentic in our relationships we feel satisfied both intrapersonally and interpersonally.