Positive Regard and Collabrelating

A note on CollabRelating:

The principles of CollabRelating offers couples an alternative to what the media, our models, and sometimes our own nature would assert: The other person is the problem, they mean harm, they are selfish, they are “bad”, they are part of a certain “bad” gender, race, age, etc. CollabRelating halts the process by opening up a conversation about how the relationship needs to function, rather than how any one individual needs to function.

Positive regard is defined as an attitude of warmth and acceptance toward another person, insofar that the receiver feels accepted. In short, it is a deep-seated belief that people are growth oriented in nature and are doing the best that they can, given their circumstances.

As a relationship factor, positive regard opens the gate to empathy and a willingness to CollabRelate about needed change. Generally, positive regard allows us to accept our partners as human “becomings” and we are more able to view their not so awesome behaviors as symptoms of something going wrong, rather than symptoms of bad character traits.

Many individuals in couples counseling, have lost sight of the human being they once offered full acceptance and held in positive regard. As a result, the couple relationship is no longer a safe-haven of warmth and acceptance, leaving both partners feeling unsatisfied and unhappy.

The ability to maintain an attitude of positive regard toward our partners does not always come naturally. Rather, it is the byproduct of learning how to separate ourselves from feeling like a target of our partner’s shortcomings and prioritize the health of our relationship over being righteous or a victim. Instead of taking an oppositional stance, positive regard allows for a supportive stance, one that offers CollabRelating as an alternative to a fight. In short, positive regard paves the way to CollabRelating as is asserts that the person we fell in love with is worthy of support and acceptance and their views matter.

NOT EASY, right?!!?

Perhaps this will help:

This scene is a depiction of Partner A having lost their positive regard for Partner B and as a result they see Partner B’s behavior as a poor character trait aimed at them.

Partner A is angry because they have to help pack the car for the weekend. Partner B is casually packing the children’s clothes and toys, while also straightening up their bedroom. Partner A comes into the bedroom, sees the situation, and yells “Why do you always start another project when you know we are leaving? You know how this pisses me off!”

In an alternative world (where Partner A is maintaining positive regard):

Partner A enters the children’s room and notices Partner B is straightening up the room, rather than finishing the packing. Instead of an angry outburst, Partner A pauses – separates themselves from their partner’s behavior and intentionally offers Partner B some grace – and asks, “Why do you get so distracted from packing?” and offers the opportunity to CollabRelate, “When you get side-tracked, I get frustrated and angry. Is there a way we can do this differently?”

The alternative (Positive Regard) world offers both partners the opportunity to feel warmth, cared for, and accepted. Further, positive regard allows Partner B to express why they are distracted and also co-author a better alternative.

Let’s shuffle the story and try another example:

This scene depicts Partner B’s ability to separate themselves from Partner A’s behavior, offer Partner B some grace, and creates a space for CollabRelating about how the relationship can function better.

Partner A is angry because they have to help pack the car for the weekend. Partner B is casually packing the children’s clothes and toys, while also straightening up their bedroom. Partner A comes into the bedroom, sees the situation, and yells “Why do you always start another project when you know we are leaving? You know how this pisses me off!”

Partner B responds by saying “I know you get angry when I’m not ready when you are. Is there a way that we can go about packing and leaving differently? One that can allow me some extra time to make sure the house is picked up and you don’t have to feel rushed when it is time to leave.”

When we are able to maintain positive regard for our partners, we offer them a relationship where they feel accepted and loved.

Find out more about CollabRelating and Contact us for how we can help you evolve and learn to communicate both your professional and personal relationships