The goals of Gottman Method Couples Therapy are to disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy; and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship.

Marriages or any kind of long-term relationship requires effort, communication, and honesty. Constant effort becomes important in preserving the relationship’s longevity. Although it’s normal to argue or have disagreements in any relationship, psychologists have pinpointed four common communication habits – known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – that can increase the likelihood of divorce or breakups. Let’s dive in and discuss the Four Horsemen in detail.

1. Criticism: We all have the freedom to express our opinions, but when those opinions are based on negative beliefs or judgments towards our partner, it can manifest into criticism. It can be hurtful and cause pain to your partner’s self-esteem. Criticism doesn’t allow room for growth and it affects the trust in the relationship. To communicate positively, try focusing on the specific behavior instead of the person, and use “I” statements to express how their actions made you feel.
2. Defensiveness: Defensiveness is a common reaction to criticism, and it tends to be a negative response to negative communication. It happens when you feel under attack and possibly misunderstood. Defensiveness is a major setback for a healthy conversation between two people. Couples who use defensiveness can be not only quick to defend their actions but also on the offense, which can escalate into arguments. It’s important to try to take responsibility for your part in the problem and express empathy towards your partner.
3. Stonewalling: Stonewalling happens when a person withdraws from the conversation, shuts down, or stops responding altogether. It occurs when feelings of sadness, anger, and frustration are too much to handle and the person may feel powerless. It’s normal to take some time to cool down but stonewalling can cause your partner to feel ignored or rejected. To avoid stonewalling, try to take breaks during the conversation and come back with a clear mind and willingness to listen.
4. Contempt: Contempt is the most dangerous and corrosive of the Four Horsemen. It stems from a sense of disgust, disdain, or superiority towards your partner. Contempt can appear in the form of sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mocking. It can slowly destroy the relationship without the other person realizing it, slowly but surely. To combat contempt, it is important to attempt empathy and positive communication. Communication involves a two-way street: listening and speaking. Listen more and be curious about their emotions and feelings.

The Four Horsemen of the apocalypse are often ingrained in our communication patterns without our knowledge. By recognizing these behaviors and making a conscious effort to replace them with healthier forms of communication, we can ensure that our relationship grows healthier and stronger over time. Clear and intentional communication can create a better understanding and a healthier relationship. It takes effort and time to change old habits but with a willingness to learn and improve, a loving relationship can thrive for the long run.

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